Tuesday, May 18, 2010

No "evidence"

I went to the doctors yesterday for the ultrasound. They could not find "evidence" of a pregnancy, which is a problem when you are 5.5- 6 weeks pregnant. I left the ultrasound devastated and assumed I had already miscarried. The doctor wanted to follow up with some blood work to make sure my HCG levels were dropping.

4 hours later the doctor calls and says that my HCG levels are continuing to rise, as they would in a healthy pregnancy. My HCG levels are now over 8000!!! One of three things is happening #1) the most likely, I am miscarrying and my body hasn't figured it out yet 2) it is an ectopic pregnancy and they haven't been able to find it yet 3) I am pregnant but not as far along as I think.

This last option KILLS me because it gives me a shred of hope. Hope is dangerous. Logically, I know that I have been through this 3 times already. I know what happens. But that damned hope.

"Hope is the worst of all evils, for it prolongs the torment of man" -Friedrich Nietzsche

So now I get to play my favorite game. Sit and wait. Sit and wait. Sit and wait. Oh and continue to give myself the super duper fun injections into my stomach.

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